Robert Orben Quotes / Page 1

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

Do your kids a favor - don't have any.

Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

If you can laugh together, you can work together.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.

Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.

Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time!'