No matter what your incredible life is right now or will end up later you may encounter kids. Despite the fact that you may decide to not have children yourself, I’m certain you’ve met children and thought to your self, just how did that happen.
I met with a girl who made me grin when she explained,”Patrick I do love children, I just can’t eat a whole one”
Many parents I meet have made the biggest mistake in their lives by placing more importance on the pursuit of cash than on their kids. Parents work long hours and children suffer. Never invest in children or your partner, not if you want a loving relationship and also an amazing life.
Some people ask how the art of lovemaking may make a child that has turned out to be such a monster.
If you’re now struggling to work out the way to love and guide your kids, then this chapter will give you the answers. During the time you’re absorbing this I may smash a few myths about parenting on the way. So just read the principles and then you will understand when children become completely lost we can rescue them.
90% of the time it will be a mother. Then will ask me if I would love to speak to the child to see if I can fix”it”. She then walks outside and brings the kid in to sit in my office while she goes out and waits.
The expectation then of course is the kid who only walked in won’t be the same child when it walks out again. Somehow I am going to”fix” this child, because clearly it’s broken. Well at least that is what the mothers told me, also that I have about twenty minutes to accomplish this.
So the first thing I do is recall all my training over all these years and then that little Mexican man named Cesar Millan (the dog whisperer). You can’t imagine this renowned television dog coach training the puppy rather than the proprietor can you? Well in my office when it comes to raising children, it entails the parents a great deal more than the kid. The same as my friend Cesarhe knows that the dog was trained to behave in a specific way and he wants to retrain the dog owner. I need to retrain the parent in addition to the kid. That should not be a surprise at all. Not many parents are on training programs about the best way to raise a child.
In these following examples I am speaking about children from the age of 8 years upwards. Together with the young ones ranging from 8 to 15 I can still get off with all the reputable narrative of bank building. This is where I tell the kids that regardless of what they need in life, whether it’s at this time, at the weekend or next year, the only way the parents will say yes is when they’ve built enough good bankable currency to get a yes.
The Wonderful Bank Technique
Here is how simple and profound it is. Children as we’d agree want both discipline and praise. Incidentally I use praise 90 percent of this time, it is easier to look for and works 100 percent more for your child. Most parents that I meet never know praise and what it does for the kid. They’re too busy searching and expecting all the wrong things to happen.
I first set up the kid to understand that they need to do things round the home at no cost. This teaches a child to contribute to the family and the family. Then once the actions are done I want the child to search for strategies to build a bank of currency by means of more tasks but this time they will use the excess tasks they perform as money.
I was asked to enable a 14 year old woman who didn’t get this at all. She wanted no part of my plan in any way, until I said,”I’m the only person on earth who will receive your parents off your back”. From there I explained the way she would have to work very difficult to reinstate herself in the family so she could be trusted by both parents again.
All of that recall had been trained. I managed to obtain the missing part of this little girls puzzle by listening to her, something she told me that her parents never did. She’d tell me that each time she tried to tell her parents how she felt, they just cried at her and told her to go to her room.
So now moved and anticipating the following two months of hard work and searching for opportunities to do even more jobs for her parents this young kid left happy. I didn’t mention a word to the mother.
Fourteen days after the mother arrived back together with her daughter and began to tell me just how much the child had changed. The mother went on to tell me that her daughter had started to work around the house, was really being nice for her sister and brother and staying in school. When it was the brothers turn to come in she was angry and upset. She told me she’d done all I had suggested but her parents hadn’t said well done or anything.
That is typical of many parents that don’t even understand how to give compliments, let alone see times once the child needs praise. I spent most time with the mother explaining my thought of her daughter building a bank of tasks and good behaviour in market for special treats like with a friend over to stay the evening. The mother went away and started to praise her child even more. They were both very happy the last time that they arrived in all since we retrained them to look at life differently.
Change What Does Not Work
Jack was a 8 year-old boy from control (mothers description) who attended my practice for anger issues. When I asked the mom if Jack misbehaved in the front of his dad, the answer was no.
This is a very popular situation and frequently can cause big problem in the marriage or partnership. The child’s opinion of his father is very different from the view he has of his mom.
Little Jack had his mom running scared, the mum forgot who was the grownup. She spent most of her day running after him, literally. If she had been trying to get him to school on time he’d be too fast for her and run around the house with her chasing and yelling at him.
But if dad was home small Jack was an angel. Do you get what’s happening in this family? Yes Jack is in control and mum isn’t.
My job needed to start with mum. I discovered that mum did most of the parenting while dad was in the office. However daddy was fed up with mum because she couldn’t control the child, so the parents were at catastrophe.
The simple difference here was parent represented fear to youthful Jack while another parent didn’t. The dad would just need to look at the child and Jack did everything he had been told. Mum however had to scream, chase and frequently smack Jack to get him to behave.
This technique of talking to a child using mature language such as the word respect does not do the job. She did this all the time and the time it didn’t work, she kept doing it.
Please remember this as long as you live your amazing life. When it comes to kids and behavior fear is a greater motivator of than pain.
The father generated fear in Jack and the mother produced pain. In crying, minding and chasing Jack all mom produced was short term pain that just slowed Jack down.
It also trained Jack to never search for any other attention other than pain.
I always ask every single parent this question. “Can you care for your parents with this disrespect when you were that age”?
It still amazes me that while a mother is in the midst of telling me disgustingly rude and disrespectful her child is she still doesn’t get it. When I ask the parent they did not mistreat their own parents they normally inform me that they had been TOO AFRAID. So of course I can’t help myself and I just have to ask the obvious question. So why is it that you continue to allow the little child do it then?
The most typical response I hear is! “I really don’t understand why”.
The real answer was that they became afraid themselves as parents. That’s why they teach bad manners to their children. The parents become so frightened that in their mind it would be easier to let the kid to misbehave than have to tackle it head on.
A child needs your love yes, but you want to train that child. The problem is that it’s the other way round.
Let me explain…
I had two parents of a crazy 15 year-old girl arrive in my office in tears. Monica by their account was without a doubt totally in control of both parents. She’d clearly had similar training at an early age exactly like young Jack. Both parents had run out of ideas. Here’s what they’d told me they’d done up to now to alter the woman’s behavior.
1 Taken off her Cell Phone
2 Grounded her, which means not going out other than college
3 Stopped her from going on the computer and net
So that was it, which was all they’d done and they sat in my office, the mother with tears rolling down her cheeks and the father the same. I’d them understand that here they had been sat in my office with the weight of the world on their shoulders as well as their daughter was running their lives and loving it.
I didn’t even need to observe the child. This was the parents that had more help, so here is exactly what I told them to perform. I knew how they would react to what I had been going to suggest in the way of new strategies, but I knew that from years of doing it this way, it’d give us the appropriate outcome.
I started by telling them that her bedroom needed to be eliminated then all her clothes had to go. Then any trinkets, other furniture and makeup, all needed to go. They were to empty the child’s room until all that was left was a mattress on the floor and her school uniform. They had to make sure all the rest was taken to another location.
While I was outlining this strategy the two parents were looking much more fearful than when they walked . I then told them to telephone all of their daughter’s friend’s parents and inform them that under no circumstances were they to allow their kid in to their home if she had been to run away again.
As I continued with my plan the mom could not cope any longer and had to interrupt. I was waiting for her. Imagine this, this really is me jumping out of my seat and composing on the significant whiteboard all the things we were going to perform to their precious little baby!!!
The mother did not disappoint me. Just like others before her she left attempts to allow me to know the reason why they could not do what I was asking them to perform. The dad jumped in and said he thought the whole door thing was a little tough.
Now this happens daily at my office so you’ll have to forgive me for sounding a bit tough here, but this always delivers the state of mind from the parents so I need to help them further.
I started to scream and shout at the top of my lungs at the two of them. How dare you tell me what you can and cannot do, what sort of parents are you anyway? Are you poor parents then, is that is? Can you hit her all the time? Do you give up on her because you can’t get past your own feelings? Have you been hiding behind your own poor me attitude?
Remember humans make up thoughts and emotions that produce behaviour. These parents with the help of Monica had created an entire state of insanity and during sensed fear could not parent the child.
Both parents started to defend and make excuses saying I had been taking it too much and that the punishment did not fit the offense. They were telling me that Monica, a 15 year-old girl who swears and abuses her loved ones and drinks and smokes and stays out all night does not deserve any punishment. I hadn’t even known as it punishment, so they did and why that they called it punishment was because they could not bring themselves to do anything about it.
Now that the three of us were in the center of a heated discussion and the two parents were in a state of dread and fear that I wanted to be sure they knew that I was seriously interested in sorting out this mess. So I ended off by telling them that if they didn’t do as they had been told I would be certain the police found out of my report that they were equally terrible parents.
The response was the same as all of the rest, they stopped, seemed pale and their breathing became intense, exactly like a panic attack. Now was the moment which would alter their lives forever.
Unknown to them during our little heated argument the mother kept putting her left arm on her chest and breathing shallow each time I suggested things she needs to be doing. The father was similar as his tummy was busy going in and out at the idea of eliminating his daughter’s bedroom door.
I had the mom sit in my large black”magic seat”. I call it magic because that’s where the magic of change often occurs. I had her tell me felt that the dread and fear inside her and as expected it had been in her chest. I had her close her eyes, see the picture that helped her become fearful. I then had her shrink that picture smaller and smaller till it was the size of a”postage stamp”, then blow it away. As she was doing that I had her rub her chest side ways across with her hands.
After she opened her eyes that the fear had gone entirely. I then did the same with the dad and his result was the same, his fear had gone. I had sat in my office two parents with no fear at all. I must do the same technique with every parent who brings in a child that has been out of control.
That I might add was the beginning of the change of view. Currently with two parents that were not afraid anymore the job at hand became more manageable. They listened to each of the careful instructions and strategies I had laid out for them to do and they were to come back a week later.
Now you can see why I had to possess these parents truly feel and have the pain that they were going through at the moment. I can’t cure a phobia of spiders unless I’ve a spider to use to guarantee the individual feels the emotion, despite the fact that you now know we make all these anxieties up by ourselves. I can not help someone overcome a fear of heights unless they make an attempt to be up full of me.
These parents began their dialog believing that Monica at 15 years old was from control and they didn’t understand how to prevent it. Everything became really painful emotionally and overcome with these made up feelings, the parents could not deal. Now they might understand their contribution to that which did not work before.
By having the parents attain a height of panic and anxiety that has been as true as they might sense, it had a much more powerful affect when the fear is removed so quickly. I was able to dismantle that atmosphere in a heartbeat.
It is so rewarding to observe parents after this first session, which I lovingly call”Imposing Sanctions”. I’ve my brother-in-law Keith thank for this one incidentally. This specific couple were even more joy to work with because they truly loved not their daughter but every other. Occasionally I’m faced with a couple that has lost the love they once had for each other, so then they communicate differently with all the kids, which can lead to a variety of issues. If a couple are not together on this it’s very tricky to accomplish a complete turnaround of terrible behavior by parents and kids alike.
When they came back they had smiles on their faces that’s always a good indication for me. They told me the child had responded exactly as I had predicted. She had cried loudly, thrown things around the home and hurried off to her best buddies location. However the best friends mum had done as Monica’s parents inquired rather than allowed her to stay in their home. Once more I see these methods bring victory to parents.
There is nearly always one person, normally a female (sorry no disrespect meant) who for personal reasons feels the need to become mother Teresa the second. You know the one I mean. She is normally one mother (nothing wrong with them by the way) who is in desperate need of love and attention .
She’ll be the person who no matter what a parent might tell her, understands best and will no matter what you tell her she can’t perform, will take your child in for the evening. She gets off on it. It’s real and you’ll find girls who believe they should do this.
I had cautioned this couple that when they had these in their community then their daughter could understand who she was and go there. Sure enough their daughter knew about this woman and tried to input but this couple had taken notes and remembered. Cleverly the parents had asked a friend to go and see this woman that night, so you can imagine the feeling that this 15 year-old girl had when she’d exhausted all other places to go, only to discover her mother’s best friend was there and wanted she leave at once. Poor dear!!
The few attended to every detail, so they locked up their home like a fortress, turned off all the lights and went to bed.
Now please remember this was a child who knew her way around the streets, she wasn’t any angel of innocence. For the past two years she had broken away, put fear into her parents and walked the roads. However I had been changing her small game. I’d done this with countless parents and when the parents carried out the plan to the letter it worked. Always.
They told me on 1.30am in the morning they heard a knock on the back door and it was . They recalled what to do. Both went to the doorway and didn’t open it, but asked who had been there. The daughter replied and the parent’s task was to listen to her voice and make sure they heard something other than anger.
The daughter was weeping, she had walked everywhere she would to seek shelter and friends but found no one. It had been in the midst of winter and the child had run out in a fit of anger and didn’t take any warm clothes. Her parents go rid of everything remember!
How different was that to the times she had ran away and gloated to her friends about how she could do what she wanted to?
The parents said they were convinced that their kid was real in her tears and upon that they went in their following part. I use the house door as a symbol, I needed the child to actually know and feel what it was like to own no where to go and that if she was smart she’d return home a different kid.
Before opening the door the parents outlined exactly what her life could be like this time around. They had their list of requests and”should haves” to be able to allow her back into the house and back into the household.
If she agreed to these then they’d open the door and they’d all start with a clean sheet, no nagging and bringing up old problems.
No wonder they were grinning, I was by then, they’d been brilliant. But to my surprise the dad moved into the doorway of my office and opened it in walked this 15 year old daughter of theirs. Well I will honestly tell you there was not a dry eye in the office after thatthe parents had not thought she’d say .
This family in crisis felt exactly the identical emotional pain countless additional families do across our planet.
Don’t deceive your mind into thinking the kid will do bad things if you do not let them have what they need. Children need to grow, they have to test and understand emotions. I’ve heard nearly all of the threats a young child can offer to a parent and to me.
The child can and does attempt to convince their parents that these idle threats will be carried out. Once you give into these”so called” threats, you have just trained that child to use them .
If for any reason you are dealing with your child and you suddenly feel anxious or fearful, immediately eliminate the feeling until you continue the conversation. I’VE SHOWN YOU HOW TO DO THAT. If you don’t you may believe the child will harm itself then YOU will become a parent frightened to discipline the child or give it a superb loving childhood, since you’re coming from a perspective of dread and what should. Do not get duped by risks of a youngster, these threats are actually cries for assistance and they need their parents to take huge action to change things.
By way of instance, an 11 to 16-year-old wants to know if they fit in with others. This becomes their main significant priority in their life in this era. So communicate together on this topic often so you can reassure them that they do in fact fit in.
Remember once children go to school
YOU ARE NO LONGER THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THEIR LIFE ANYMORE.
I realise this may come as a shock to your parents but please understand. Your love for a parent needs to be a love of allowing, letting them fall, so they can get up, a love of letting them neglect, so they can work out the way to triumph. Only then have you prepared your child for adulthood effectively.
All parents want a lot more for their kids and sometimes that love can blind them. Parents frequently use the phrase,”I only wish to give my children what I had”. In saying this however I believe we should be teaching them how to be happy for no reason instead of attempting to run a comparison on how our own childhood was. It should have no meaning for your own child’s lifetime, but we understand it does. The best method to educate your kids to live an amazing life, would be to live one yourself. Teach by performing not by stating.
Should you over compensate so as to rid yourself of the guilt and shame you still feel for your childhood, your little one will suffer.
Over protective parents may ruin a young life before it has an opportunity to blossom. Love your children yes, but give them the freedom to learn from their activities and to take responsibility for their actions.
I’d like to read to my four sons if they were young and when I could I’d always bring in a new publication but also make up the narrative instead of read the book. As my sons climbed up I would tell them tales about what it was like if their great, great grandfather was living, then about my life as a young boy their age.
They heard stories about how people would have to stand in a line all day in the pouring rain just to buy sugar. Times like this in our planets evolution which should teach lessons to future generations.
Today my sons ‘ are fathers and they often mention that those tales actually grounded them and made them feel thankful and appreciate what they had and also to comprehend what others did not have.
My sons today as dad’s battle the minefields of cellular phones, internet and social network sites with their own kids. I remind them to allow their kids know that once we could all walk down the high street shopping and when anybody was thirsty we’d stop at one of the many beverage fountains scattered across the street for a beverage of absolutely free water. Now they build massive complexes and round up you in concrete shopping malls where the only place you can get water is out of a plastic jar that costs you a lot of money.
Here’s the real issue. As the world continues to change so too if your skills as a parent.
TODAY it’s the parents who NEED the love of the child because the parent is not living an amazing life. Many of the parents I visit have shattered relationships and marriages and highly stressful lives. So to be able to have adore the parent craves for your love of their child at any price tag. Then when it is time to say no to the child and mean no parent can’t.
I can not recall how many smart little children have sat in my office and told me about how unworthy their parents really are. They say it has gone for a week, but I know I’ll get it back in 2 weeks, Mum always gives in”.
This is the type of parenting that confuses a child and trains them that the parent doesn’t mean what’s stated and therefore they can do whatever they want.
Parents reside in fear of many things today. You do not need to believe that suggestion. Stop, do not buy the myth of the child’s threat. Instead be that honest reliable parent. This rubbish and politically appropriate phrase that the kid has rights was well over used.
Patrick McNally PhD
Author Therapist Business Strategist
UK, USA, Australia.
He’s a Master Public Speaker and uses his sharp humor and infectious humour to it’s full extent, offering audiences worldwide, laughter, fun, entertainment and awareness.
He has become known worldwide for his amazing 60 next obstacle, where he promises to change the way a customer feels in under 60 minutes. Having performed this on TV and Radio.